A translation from Joe Cisar

In light of the occasion:

Theatrical Play: "Marriage Auditing" in Hamburg

A dark comedy loosely based on the motives of life in three acts

A: a steadfast Scientologist
B: a steadfast non-Scientologist
C: a religious person functioning as advisor
D: a caller from the religious organization
E: another religious organization person

Act 1, scene: a small, stuffy room with old stains on the carpet in a religious organization. A and B are being counseled by C.

C: (very friendly) Now you two have marriage problems, that much I understand. So we have something very special for you. You can get Marriage Auditing in Hamburg. It only costs 37,000 Austrian shillings (about 2,000 US dollars), you can take the night train out, get the Marriage Auditing there the next day and take the night train back. That way you are out the least amount of time possible. Wouldn't that be great?
A: That would be super, that's fine with me.
B: Wait a minute. Why is it so expensive? That much money for one day?
C: (irritated and not so friendly anymore) It's not that expensive if you consider the money to be an investment in the future of your relationship.
B: My question is why it is so expensive!
A: It is for the services of a highly trained auditor and you would basically pay more for a psychologist.
B: How would you know? Are you familiar with the prices because you have been to a psychologist?
A: (annoyed) No!! I wouldn't go to one either, they are all criminals.
C: (nods in agreement)
B: What do you mean they're *all* criminal? How would you know that?
C: (very factually) That's not what we're talking about now! Do you want to go, should I call them up?
B: No, that is way too expensive, we don't have 37,000 shillings ($2,000) to casually spend. (turning to A, very concerned) Think about all our debts, should they go up?
C: (friendly again) Couldn't you look around for a money flow into the family?
A: (makes a disgusted face and wants to leave)
B: (firmly) No, that's out of the question!!

A and B excuse themselves and get ready to go. B promises C that they'll think things over some more. A is very angry and feels as if B is once again making fun of his religion.

A: (very worked up, turning to B in the car) Apparently you enjoy finding fault with me in front of my friends, you always have counter-intentions.
B: No, I only said that it is too expensive and that we don't have that kind of money. Aren't you a little quick on the draw with your opinion when it comes to your friends?
A: (screaming loudly) You and your friends and all the lies you've told about my religion, you are all criminals!!!

Act 2, Scene: an old, small company office (not decorated by B). A is not home, the telephone rings and B picks it up. D is calling.

D: Hi B, I have good news for you!
B: Hi D, you don't say!
D: You can get your Marriage Auditing here in the organization and it will cost only 2,500 shillings (125 US dollars).
B: That is very good, but please explain the enormous difference in price to me? I have that much but would like to know how that happened! D: In Hamburg a highly trained Auditor would have done the Marriage Auditing, but here we have a clergyman from the public relations department. I've already talked to him and he agreed.
B: Hold on, *I* have not yet agreed!
D: But A already said it was OK and made reservations for both of you - besides that A was already here today and paid up.
B: Well, OK, we'll do it so that I don't always have to hear about counter-intentions.

Act 3, scene: a very small, poorly ventilated room furnished 1970s style with wobbly chairs - again in the religious organization. In this room the carpet is not stained. A and B are there on time in order to get Marriage Auditing. E walks through the door.

E: Hello, there you are, now let's begin. I've already got the cans out for you. (... now comes the spiel about misunderstood words, etc.)

A and B sit on the old wobbly chairs
A takes hold of two metal cans. The cans are connected with thin wires to an electrical device which can detect mental charge.
B: (doesn't take up the cans) I can speak freely so I won't be needing any electrical device. I am not a member of this religion so I don't have to do it, besides I don't want to be holding something that is putting an electric current through me.
A: (in a loud voice) Not again!!!! Can't you do anything else but constantly find fault with me????
E: Then we can't do the Marriage Auditing since I cannot detect whether you have any charge.
B: I don't have any charge. I can speak very well without this grotesque device and say what about this relationship disturbs me.
E: (hostile and annoyed) But it doesn't make any sense, without the device I'm not doing the Marriage Auditing.
A goes with B into another small room. A gets B to hold the cans and the case of an interrogation device which is not turned on. Besides that B gets to hear about the function of the meter needle of the interrogation device.
A is happy that B held the electrical interrogation device. A and B go home.
The Marriage Auditing for A and B was never done (although it was paid for). It failed because B wanted to speak freely, without the "help" of a religious interrogation device.


(Should certain practices in the above narrative contain certain similarities to the practices of Scientologists, those similarities are neither intentional nor coincidental, but unavoidable.)

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